Memorial Day was a deep time of reflexion in my life.  I haven’t thought about my brother in several months or this blog that I started in January. Being present at the Honolulu Lantern Festival was a moving experience.  I have been to similar celebrations, during Bon Festivals, but never to this magnitude. 

It wasn’t until an hour after leaving the Lantern Ceremony, did the most intense wave of emotions hit me strong.  I am a pretty stoic personality.  I usually hold my emotions together well and pretty hidden.  Only my deepest most protected and secret emotions.  Usually the emotions that are attached deeply and intimately to the depths of my heart.  I keep a certain part very protected.  This was the area of my heart that was scratched upon.  I spent a lovely time talking with a friend as I drove her back to Mililani.  One my way back to town, I am cruising down the highway and start reflecting on what I had just witnessed at the Lantern Ceremony.  Within seconds, I felt like a force scrapped up against a scab on my heart and I started to experience pain so strong that I started to openly and loud wail in my car. This is not a normal reaction for me so it took me back a bit.
I felt instantly alone on this planet, in my car, driving down a dark and populated highway but I was so caught in this moment that I did not care who was around me or what they assumed was going on my car.  I am sure to an on looker, it was not a pretty site.  A song would come on that would invite my tears to stream down my face and release the pain within.  I don’t cry this dedicated but I was letting it all hang out.  In my moments of calm, I would question why this out break.
It boiled down to one thing – I miss my brother.  Why now. Why would this hurt ooze from me at this appointed moment.  The obvious answer would be that I just participate in a celebration that remembers those who have served our country and died.  The hidden explanation came as a bit surprising.  The flood gate of emotion started flowing.  All things I miss about my brother are the things I have yet to find and experience in my life time.  Sadness for not having the things we had together was hovering at the surface of my soul.
I wanted my brother so desperately, at this pennical moment in time.  I wanted to held.  I wanted to be understood.  I wanted to be loved unconditionally.  All the fulfillment of the heart that my brother so selflessly showered upon me even when I didn’t deserve it. This present time in my life is riddled with profound lost; loss of friendship, loss of love, loss of my community for the past 7 years.  I guess it made sense to relate that to the loss of my brother.  How would I recover and be healed and restored.  Why couldn’t my brother be here to hold me.  Too love me unconditionally. Tell me all the things that make me feel beautiful and loved and desired.
I actually started to get angry with my self for being who God made me; Selfless, putting others above myself, loving deeply and unconditionally, giving everything I have to others, bringing joy to others lives.
Why was I angry.  I was angry because my tank is depleted.  I have given so much for so long that I have not replenished my tank.  So what now?  How do I do this?  This is where I stand today.  This is the cross roads I am faced with.  Do I alienate myself? Do I move to a foreign country? I am not really sure of the answer yet but I do know that, instantly, wisdom came over me.  All the great things about my life started to flood and occupy my thoughts.  It was so comforting.  It was almost miraculous. So I thought to myself, I would rather be homeless in sunshine… I can’t force another to love me or befriend me or consider me above others or care for me as I care for others.  Where are you my brother?  You have got to be out there somewhere.  I long for the day that I get to meet you and bask in your presence.  Until then…let there be sunshine and gratitude for what I do have.
I must learn to handle loss…
I must learn to handle love…
I must learn to handle rejection…
I must learn to handle life…
I must learn to give it ALL over to the one that waits in the wings so gently asking to take all this from me…
I must learn to pray again…
I must learn to find me…
I must learn to love again…
I must be careful whom I give myself too…
I am beautiful
I am powerful
I am desired
I am loved
I have much to be grateful for
May the Sonshine upon us all today and everyday…